Money and me, we have a special relationship. He's my teacher and my friend. Unconditionally. When I hate him, he keeps loving me back.
I've lost. It's 30th December 2013 and I finally absolutely lost the money game. Within a day I need to pay €5.000 rent for my office. But I have zero. Nil. Nothing.
I feel ashamed. Everybody is going to find out what a total loser I am. But I also feel shame because I've done all these events, courses, retreats to create your day, your life, manifesting whatever. I mean, in my bathroom, on the fridge, at my desk: post-its everywhere with great affirmations like: I have always been fabulously wealthy, radiantly healthy, etc.
And look at my situation now...
I've asked for abundance for years, but still nothing.
I give up. I give up on abundance. And you know what, I admit to the air, I don't even know what abundance is. Actually, I might be living the abundant life, but totally missing it. Because I have no clue what it looks like. I thought it was a full bank account - but apparently, that's not it. In my case.
May be it's the air that I breath. The clothes that I wear. The people around me. But I just don't feel it. I feel poor. I feel like a loser. I feel weak. I feel like a nothing.
You know what, I continue, before I ever again ask for abundance, I first need to know what it is. Bleh.
'Show me abundance', I mumble.
'SHOW ME ABUNDANCE', I say it with more power.
It's not a question anymore. It is an order.
Show. Me. Abundance.
Wahhh, I can feel strength rushing through my body. What is this strength? In hindsight I would say, that it was the energy that comes with asking/doing/knowing the right thing.
Part of creating your life is making a drawing on a piece of paper of what you want in your life. I've done many of them, with only little success. But okayyyyy, with resistance I make a drawing of what I think abundance is. I do it quickly, because I'm totally done with this whole create-your-day spiritual nonsense.
In high speed I draw in my journal an airplane, a massage table, a fruit salad, a swimming pool, a table with lots of chairs around, and good food to share, a desk with computer, a person in meditation, a person on stage. I spiral a line through it all, as to say: okay, done my homework, all connected, this is it. Bye.
I close my journal and go downstairs.
I'm at my mother's place in The Hague. She's in the living room, reading a magazine in her favorite black lounge chair. I tell her about my 'show me abundance' insight, and that I could truly feel it in my body. My mother rolls her eyes, wondering if I'll ever stop thinking like this - and start making some money. She continues reading.
I forget about the whole thing.
Next day is New Years eve. Good moment to close this financially disastrous 2013. Let's step into 2014 with new... whatever. I've given up.
And then on the 2nd of January, at 11pm, in a quiet house, my phone rings. A call that would deliver me the airplane. And the swimming pool, called the Pacific Ocean.
It would take me to Hawaii.
Where I would swim with the dolphins. You can read it all here.
With total love,
Would love to hear from you!
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THE ART OF BEING HM DE GROOT
On one hand creating is a matter of just doing. Simple is that. But on the other hand it takes a lot to get to that point of creation. Besides techniques and materials it's a lot about... yourself. It goes up and down. From being in the flow to being convinced it all makes no sense. From exhilarating discoveries and breakthroughs to lonely moments in the endless desert of emptiness.